The Care and Feeding of Newcomers

New blood, is the life blood of any group or organization.  Duh, Jim.. you aren’t that brilliant this morning.  Hold on self.. I am getting to a point.  We live in a time that I believe is a new sexual revolution.  A time of openness.  A time when the traditions of our past will ease and a resurgence of acceptance will occur.  Don’t believe me?  Look at the homosexual movement.  It wasn’t a decade ago that this particular “group” was still living in the proverbial closet.  Today, in many American states, they are allowed to marry.  Is it perfect yet, no.  But, we live in a time when the judgement of others will ease and it is in that time that I believe we will see the biggest growth in the lifestyle.

There are many reasons that couples are now coming to the lifestyle.  First, media has become interested and more accepting of our lifestyle.  Shows like Swing on Playboy TV give new couples a safe way to explore their curiosities without leaving their living rooms.  Not to toot our own horns, but the ability to listen to podcasts,  such as our podcast The Hidden Swing, allow couples to listen to information and stories about the lifestyle while they are in their car.  There have even been documentaries and dramas on mainstream television that bring focus to people who many have never realize this even existed.

It is for this reason that those of us that have been in the lifestyle for a while need to be a safe voice for those dipping their feet into the swinging pool.  Many of these couples bring their perceptions and fears with them, and unfortunately too many seasoned swingers are ready to claim the first notch.  Let’s face it, many newbies are eager to jump into their first experience without understanding the feelings they may feel afterwards.  When Jen and I attended our first lifestyle party, we met many nice people.  Once couple in particular spent a good deal of time with us and at the end of the night asked if we wanted to go back to their hotel room.  Sure, that’s what we’re here for.  Not going into the gory details, we found that we weren’t quite ready for jumping into full swap and, in fact, for us it took a few more months to figure out where we were in this lifestyle.

That isn’t to say that some people aren’t able or capable of going from vanilla to all in without checking themselves, but it is important that those of us who have already tread those waters, to handle with care as we introduce them to the lifestyle.  We don’t want to run them off.  We want to grow our little party with lots of stable, committed, and fun loving people.  So, I’ve listed a few ideas on the care and feeding of newcomers below:

  1. Communication – We believe that communication is the most important tool in the lifestyle.  So, it makes sense that when meeting a couple that is new to the lifestyle we should use lots of communication with them.  Find out their story, ask them if they have talked about their boundaries (and dont plan on breaking those boundaries), answer their questions as openly as you possibly can, and use positive language.  They’re likely already a little worried, no use in fueling their fear with your bad experiences.
  2. Introductions – If you have been in the lifestyle for any length of time then you probably have met, even if you haven’t played with, many couples in your area.  We’ve always found it interesting that a good deal of swingers don’t like to share their friends.  We have been to clubs where more time was spent telling us who we shouldn’t play with, than who we should meet.  Relax and know you’re friends will not like you any less if you introduce new people to your circle.  An introduction doesn’t mean we are getting naked together.  It simply means that the newcomer is welcome and in a lifestyle that claims “sharing is caring” it is important that we are inclusive in our circles.
  3. Time – “Just a little patience, ahh ahh yeah!”, god I used to love that song.  It really is tough to be patient.  We want our playtime and we want it now.  But sometimes less is more.  In Nascar they say, “Go slower to go faster” and it applies to the lifestyle too.  Not everything has to happen on the first encounter.  Say you do convince them to get naked on the first meet.  Perhaps you get them to break all the rules and they full swap.  Now they go home and their heads are spinning and they aren’t sure that its right for them.  Maybe they felt pressured.  Maybe there will be no second meet.  Personally, I would prefer we not play or play at their speed and create a long term friendship.  I want to see them grow.  I want to grow with them (yes, in that way too).  Honestly, the friendships we’ve made in the lifestyle (whether we play with them or not) has been better than any one night stand we’ve had.

None of this is rocket science.  If you’ve read any of my blogs you know that i tend to keep it simple.  But if it is so simple then why do so many ex-newcomers share the same story.  The story of feeling like they were taken advantage of by another couple.  The story of feeling like no one wanted them to be at the party, cause they weren’t introduced to anyone.  Sure, we can sit back and claim that its not our job to lead them into the water.  But, if we all looked at it that way then we’re certainly going to end up in a swimming pool all by ourselves.  It is imperative that we take time to welcome those that are trying to break from normal traditional life and want to join us in this experience.


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