Again, We’re Not Your Poly

Jen and I have nothing against those that choose poly relationships.  Its just not what we are into or what we are about.  From a vanilla stance, we can see where there is a small distinction between those in the lifestyle and those that are polyamorous but for us, the distinction is very clear.  Yes, we care about those that we play with.  Yes, there are those that we would even say we care DEEPLY about and would miss if they were gone from our lives.  There is, however, a difference between the love that we have for each other as a married couple and the feelings we have for those in the lifestyle that we care deeply about.

For example, there is a couple that we have been playing with for well over a year that we see regularly.  Sexually, Jen and the male half hit it off VERY well.  They are both crazy hot and intense.  She says they have great conversations too but good gawd you cant have it all so let me pretend its all just about the sex.  ROFL.  His wifey and I do have great sex experiences but for us it more about the conversation and relationship.  Her and i are buddies.  We all four like it this way.  That’s why, when recently there was some mis-communication between the four of us, it was strained.  We were all so hurt and scared.  We did NOT want it to end.  We have a great friendship.  Luckily, we worked it out like friends do and I think we are stronger for it.

Where is this all going Jim?  Well, let me tell you another story.  About a year ago we met another couple that we hit it off with very intensely.  The male half was pretty decent looking and Jen really liked him.  We both did.  The wife of the couple was tall and gorgeous.  She was bi and Jen was newly playing around with the idea of being bi.  As couples go we hit it off with them in so many ways.  We were even all on the same page “religiously” which I wont go into cause that would be ANOTHER podcast but lets say we don’t find many that shake the way we shake, that way.  They could have been the perfect couple.

We ended up having a few dates with them and found ourselves alone at their place.  We had a fantastic meal and the wine flowed enough just to make everyone giggly.  Their male half had not played much for one reason or another but the female claimed some experiences, which were vague but none of our business.  The heat turned up between Jen and him, and they requested to take it to the bedroom.. and we were good with that.  She, the others wife, and I started making out.. and then the news.  Its THAT time of month.  I’m a pretty laid back dude, granted this should have been brought out sooner, but I took it in stride and I was enjoying making out with her anyway.. a little full swap for Jen.. and I little soft swap on my end and it ended up a great night.

Over the next few weeks a few flags revealed themselves and come to find out, the couple was a poly couple.  No big deal for us because we aren’t the judgmental type and we really liked them.  A few more weeks and the male half seems a little clingy, his wife not so much.  More flags.  A few more weeks and we finally get the picture:  They want Jen for their poly triangle but including me would be a little weird for them.  Huh?  Okay, we badge out and try to save the friendship but they aren’t into that.

Its a year later and some how they come back into contact with us.  We have learned a great deal about ourselves in that year and we are not so naive.  I guess they thought there was still hope, and it seems like they have become more vocal about what they are looking for.  In a struggle for words they eventually have the conversation with us that they really just want Jen, because his wife isn’t interested in me.  Finally, we are having communication!  Unfortunately for them, that doesn’t work in our plans.  Still, we would liked to have had the friendship, but its not comfortable for them.. I can understand that.  Sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

What is ALL this about?  Communication is SO important.  Sometimes its hard to be honest and to have honest communication.  No one wants to hurt other peoples feelings.  But if you desire one part of the couple and not the other you need to be particularly upfront about it, and that has nothing to do with being poly.  We’ve seen so many times the 50/50 situation where a couple is interested in one or the other but not both.  Some couples play separately.  There is no harm in exploring that.  But make it known up front so that everyone is clear what the situation is, and everyone has the opportunity to make decisions based on their own rules.

Let me finish with another short story that illustrates how this should work.  Earlier this year we traveled 300 miles to meet a couple that we had been talking to on text and Facebook.  Seemed like a sure thing.  We attended a party together, and had lunch.  GREAT conversation was had by everyone and it SEEMED like everyone was flirty and attracted to everyone else.  However, nothing happened.  So, when we wrote them and hinted that we would play the next time, they responded “Well, we want to keep it as friends” Sure the initial response was hard but now we knew.  We knew their position.  We appreciated the honesty, even if it was hard at first.  It was that weekend that we decided to treat all future people with gentle honesty.  Honest communication, its IS the best policy.  By the way, we’re still GOOD friends with this couple.

Let me know your thoughts and stories!  @hiddenswing & thehiddenswing@gmail.com

Jim

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