Joining the Club

Over the years, I think that the number one question that I have been asked or seen asked on lifestyle websites has been the question “Well, how do I get my spouse to want to be a swinger?”  So the following are some of my thoughts on the matter but first lets make sure we are all the same page.  While I believe that a couple should be able to discuss anything with each other, please understand that some topics will cause hard feelings with some people.  Asking your spouse to let you start having sex with other people is one of those such topics.  Secondly, I do not believe it is okay to guilt, trick, cheat, or do anything harmful to your spouse in order to get them to swing.  In fact, I think that most swingers would prefer that both members of a couple be fully accepting of the lifestyle, and that both are eager to be in the lifestyle before you participate in the lifestyle.

About a year ago we were attending our favorite lifestyle club when we happen to meet a new couple.  We’ve already established that we are magnets for new couples and its a position that we have come to accept.  The husband of the couple was a police officer and was very eager to get started, while his wife on the other hand was less than eager.  While we sat at the table the husband ended up by Jen and they were having a good time talking to one another, his wife began to open up to me that she was not sure that she wanted to be there.  She began to cry and explain that she was there for him and she did not want to make him mad.  So, I went out of pickup mode and into educator mode, and began to discuss what the lifestyle was to her.  I explained that if she did not want to be there then she really needed have that discussion with her husband, and at the very least take it very slow.  We never played with the couple but at last check of their profile it seems they are still in and it even appears like she is having fun.

So how does one bring up the idea of entering the lifestyle?

Sharing Fantasies

Everyone has fantasies and sometimes bringing up the idea of the lifestyle is more easily approached if its done so while discussing them.  I have heard of some couples discussing having a threesome and then the conversation leads into “Well, how would we do that?”.  Of course, at some point the discussion of whether or not you are still discussing a fantasy or are you now trying to make it real will come up.  Lets face it, if your spouse does not want to do any more than think about the idea then you need to respect that.  But, by sharing the fantasy it is more easily digested and at least you have approached the subject.  Sometimes, the entire conversation will be had and over right there.  But there are other people who will think on the fantasy and come back at a later time to see if you are still interested.  Now, maybe they are too

Watching Movies

Another way to approach the subject is by watching porn together.  Because the activities are on the television screen and not in their own personal life, the spouse is more at ease about the subject.  Find porn where the actors are doing various things such as threesomes with two women, threesomes with two men, group play, BDSM, etc and ask your partner if something like that turns them on.  But remember, there is a big leap between what you two are watching on the TV, and actually going to a swingers club.  Handle the subject with care and no pressure.  The moment the conversation gets tense, you are less likely to be able to go from fantasy to reality.

So Then What?

Depending on the couple, handling the subject of moving from a monogamous couple to a non monogamous couple is a tender one.  Handle with CARE!  If you didn’t get a no, but you didn’t get a yes then just have some patience.  Don’t pressure your spouse to do anything that they themselves aren’t eager to do.  It will not be a good time.

However, if your partner is interested but you are not sure of next steps then please continue to read.

Self promoting, yes, but listen to some podcasts together.  Explore what being in the lifestyle means and discuss what it means to you as a couple.  Discuss what excites you as a couple and what concerns you may have.  Listening to various podcasts together will help you understand what other couples have gone through during their lives as swingers.  If you have questions, then write the podcasters.  Many of them are more than happy to answer questions or share information with you.

Get a profile together.  Find which swingers site is the one that most couples use in your area and go to the site to make a profile together.  Fill out the form together.  Most websites will have a list of questions asking what you are into and what you are not into.  These questions will help the two of your define what you are as a swinging couple.  Maybe you are only interested in visiting a club and meeting other people with your clothes on, or to watch others play and have sex.  There are people like that in clubs every weekend.  Move at the pace of the slowest person and enjoy the experience together.

Attend a club.  Once you have both made the decision that you want to check out the lifestyle, find a club or meet and greet in your area and plan on attending.  Discuss your boundaries with each other and stay within those boundaries on your first visit.  Go with the idea of not playing at all with other couples but just meeting and talking with others.  At most clubs, you will find tables sitting around a dance floor and other than the occasionally nude person walking by.. it is not unlike a normal vanilla club.  At many clubs, you will have to go to more secluded areas to actually witness sex taking place (if at all.  Some clubs do not allow sex on premise at all).  When I was going to attend my first club, my impression was that there would be people having sex all over the place.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.

Conversation, conversation, conversation.  With each step, take time to sit back down with your partner and discuss everything that went on.  Discuss things that you liked about the evening and things that you wish had been different.  Discuss your feelings about the experience and be gentle with your partners feelings.  In the lifestyle, you must be willing to give a great deal of patience to your partner, especially in the beginning.  Communication and understanding are key to knowing whether the two of you want to pursue more in the future, or if possibly its not right for your relationship.

Final Words

I feel like I cannot stress enough that you need to make sure you are not pressuring your partner into doing something that they do not wish to do.  To do so will likely lead to hard feelings and could lead to the end of a relationship.  I have seen, especially men, guilting their wives into going to these clubs so many times.  You see them sitting across the room at their tables looking awkward and mad.

If the answer is no, then the answer is no.  Its not right for your relationship unless BOTH of you are wanting to take part.  Swinging is a TEAM sport and if only one of you is eager, then ONE is not a TEAM.  Perhaps its something that will come about later, or perhaps it is something that will never be discussed again but ultimately your relationship is more important than the lifestyle.  Do not let the Fools Gold of the lifestyle trick you into thinking that its better than the life you have now.  The lifestyle can be fun, if you are both on board, but it is not worth a lost marriage or relationship.

Jim

The Hidden Swing

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